065

April 1, 2008 :: No Tomatoes Allowed. Boulevard from Memorial Ave.

So, the wedding thing's gotten closer. Time-warp closer, since we first decided to get married in fall of '09 and now we've upped the big day to spring '09, in the spirit of curbing both of our procrastitative natures. (That's not a word, no. But neither is "hangry" really, and it's possibly the best descriptor ever.)

So, I'm thinking more about it. And I think I'm becoming a bridezilla. An anti-bridezilla.

The entire wedding machine pisses me off, to be honest. It's a financial coup perpetrated on the female gender that surpasses the level of the great Valentines' day swindle by many tens of thousands of dollars. If you're of the XX persuasion, you're expected to have princess dreams, lose 20 pounds to fit into that $4000 dress you'll never wear again, and choose accouterments befitting the virginal saint you are. (You ARE, a virginal saint, right? Or, if you're not, you're willing to pretend to be one for 9 hours, right? Right?!) If you're a guy, and you either don't have the means to provide such a feast of bling and bounty for your bride-to-be, or simply don't want to, you're a balless schmuck doomed to be dropped when your girly-girl finds someone who's a better provider. Oh, and if you've got visible tattoos, you're obviously a slut. (That links floors me, by the way.)

When I was a kid, I didn't have the dreams about white-veiled splendor and perfect skin and banquets of food I can't eat because I'll split the back of my Vera Wang gown. So, I'm interested in how it feels to be swept into the wedding frenzy and feel obligated to play over-done princess for a day. Does everyone else want this? How un-validated must you feel in your everyday life to need to be adored like this, plastically, for under 24 hours? Is it something that drains out of you once you pass 18 and figure out that even prince charming farts and snores and doesn't present you with flowers upon every meeting?

It's a stupid argument to have with myself, really, because no one is pushing me toward these things. Well, they might be, but I'm not listening. I'm just curious about who these people are that spend the "average" $30,000? Where are they getting that money, and what is it getting them, in the long run?

All I have to say is thank goodness for these people. And them. Especially them. And, oh my, them.